My First Love: Finding Myself Again

They say your first love is something that changes you, and for the longest time, I thought it was about a person—someone who comes into your life and changes you entirely. Someone who would make my heart race and to whom I would give my all. But now I know the truth.

The only first love you truly need in your life is yourself.

There was a time when I didn’t doubt myself, a time when I laughed without hesitation, spoke my mind without fear of being judged, and chased adventures on my own without waiting to be invited. That girl who was fearless, goofy, and full of life—she was my first love. At least, she should have been.

But somewhere along the way, I lost her.

 

The Girl I Used to Be

She was the kind of girl who would dance for no reason, who found joy in the smallest things: a late-night walk, an unplanned trip, a heartfelt conversation. She was loud, unapologetic, and full of dreams. She believed in love, in friendships, and in herself. She never hesitated to take the first step, reach out, or express how she felt. She didn’t wait for anyone to make her feel special; she just was.

 

When Did I Start Losing Her?

I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment I started losing her. Maybe it was when I began caring too much about what others thought. Perhaps it was when I poured all my energy into making someone feel valued, only to realize that someone should have been me. Maybe it was when I started waiting—waiting to be understood, to be chosen, for someone to notice the effort I put in.

I became quieter, not because I had nothing to say, but because I was tired of speaking and not being heard. I started holding back, not because I stopped feeling things deeply, but because I didn’t want to seem “too much.” I began putting others first, not because I didn’t deserve to be a priority, but because I convinced myself that understanding others was more important than being understood.

And slowly, without realizing it, I became someone I barely recognized.

 

 

Choosing Myself Again

One day, I woke up and realized that I was tired. Tired of chasing, tired of proving, tired of being unheard, and most of all tired of feeling I was never enough.

And that’s when I decided, if no one else were to choose me, I would.

So, I stopped waiting. I stopped making myself go through everything to make others feel comfortable. I stopped over-explaining my feelings to people who never tried to understand them in the first place. I stopped fighting for people who wouldn’t fight for me.

Instead, I started loving myself.

I started doing things that made me happy, no matter how small. I started laughing without overthinking, making plans for myself, and putting my needs first. I started setting boundaries, not to push people away, but to remind myself that I deserve to be treated better.

I am still learning. Some days, I slip back into old habits, still craving the validation I once lived for. But now, I remind myself that I don’t need anyone else to make me feel whole.

 

The First Love You Need

The first love you need in life isn’t a person. It’s not the one who made your heart race or the one who almost stayed.

It’s you.

The love you give yourself is the foundation of every other love in your life. It’s the kind of love that won’t leave when things get hard and won’t make you feel like you’re too much or not enough. The kind that reminds you that you deserve the same energy you pour into others.

So today, I choose myself. I choose my happiness. I choose the girl who once felt lost, and I remind her that you were never meant to be forgotten.

This time, I am loving myself the way I always wanted to be loved. And that? That is the first love that truly matters.